Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
