Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
