I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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