After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
