she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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