Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
