I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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