So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You need a sexual gate keeper
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
