I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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