dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
