The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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