Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
