i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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