I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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