Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
