If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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