Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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