i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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