I wish I could teleport
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
