I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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