forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
