she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My ATM looks so different sober.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
