sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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