sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize