Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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