Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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