I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
