Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize