I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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