It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
