it hurts more in the daytime
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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