When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
