you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
