I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
