life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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