Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
