he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
