when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
