highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
