TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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