the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
