Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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