mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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