The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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