do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
