He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
