if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
