I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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