Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
