i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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