dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
