I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
