I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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