3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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