Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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