The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
organizing the empties. That sober.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
