The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
